Suicide

When I was a teenager I thought about suicide all the time. Little did I know that all my fears about my future were due to this goddamn illness. I had good years thou, years were I didnt think that much, I guess I was living inside a bubble where everything was nice. It didn't last that much. I came back to my old habits, I had to face so many things, like being an adult for the first time and my world crashed. I faced my reality a twenty-something that has never been in a romantic relationship while my "little" sister is dating guy after guy. I'm here. Stuck. I dont know how to move on. I dont know how to continue. 

I started thinking about suicide again January of last year. I started thinking about so many things, facing SO MANY things, but the truth is I cant face them. I worked a day, A SINGLE DAY, at the job I got this year. I felt so humilliated, the job had nothing to do with what I studied. NOTHING.

I was the employed of a girl who was probably younger than me, with no degree. I felt so stupid. I had to do things I had no idea how to do it and they didnt even taught me. I wanted to cry the entire time I was there. I also injured my foot and couldnt walk for like a week. Then I got job interviews, I got call back from two jobs, but I was too scared to take them. Im such a mess.

The idea of suicide keeps coming, I'm good a week and them i'm a total wreck for an entire month. Thinking in how i'm not working, how im fat and single and useless. Everybody keeps telling me go to that place to get a job, do this, do that, but I dont even have the energy to do anything. I'm so tired of life. I can't even sleep at night thinking. I'm so tired. I really want to go, i wanna leave, but at the same time I wanna be happy. I want a family, a husband, a house, a dog, a job. I wanna be normal and happy.

I dont know if I ever going to do it. You know, killing myself. I cant deal with the fact of failing and have to face everybody. My family, everytime the "suicide" thing comes up(tv,movies) they say how stupid those people are and how, if that person was their daughter/son, would punch them. Also, I believe suicide is a sin, 'm Christian, even if you cant tell. So, i guess is not an option. But i think about it all the time, i feel like is the only way out of this.

I have prayed, I asked God why. Why the hell im here. Why wont He take me away, but when I do that, when I tell Him I wanna die, I feel scared. Because I wanna live but not like this.

Do you understand? Is there anybody who understands?

I feel so alone. Please help me. Please understand.