Suicide

When I was a teenager I thought about suicide all the time. Little did I know that all my fears about my future were due to this goddamn illness. I had good years thou, years were I didnt think that much, I guess I was living inside a bubble where everything was nice. It didn't last that much. I came back to my old habits, I had to face so many things, like being an adult for the first time and my world crashed. I faced my reality a twenty-something that has never been in a romantic relationship while my "little" sister is dating guy after guy. I'm here. Stuck. I dont know how to move on. I dont know how to continue. 

I started thinking about suicide again January of last year. I started thinking about so many things, facing SO MANY things, but the truth is I cant face them. I worked a day, A SINGLE DAY, at the job I got this year. I felt so humilliated, the job had nothing to do with what I studied. NOTHING.

I was the employed of a girl who was probably younger than me, with no degree. I felt so stupid. I had to do things I had no idea how to do it and they didnt even taught me. I wanted to cry the entire time I was there. I also injured my foot and couldnt walk for like a week. Then I got job interviews, I got call back from two jobs, but I was too scared to take them. Im such a mess.

The idea of suicide keeps coming, I'm good a week and them i'm a total wreck for an entire month. Thinking in how i'm not working, how im fat and single and useless. Everybody keeps telling me go to that place to get a job, do this, do that, but I dont even have the energy to do anything. I'm so tired of life. I can't even sleep at night thinking. I'm so tired. I really want to go, i wanna leave, but at the same time I wanna be happy. I want a family, a husband, a house, a dog, a job. I wanna be normal and happy.

I dont know if I ever going to do it. You know, killing myself. I cant deal with the fact of failing and have to face everybody. My family, everytime the "suicide" thing comes up(tv,movies) they say how stupid those people are and how, if that person was their daughter/son, would punch them. Also, I believe suicide is a sin, 'm Christian, even if you cant tell. So, i guess is not an option. But i think about it all the time, i feel like is the only way out of this.

I have prayed, I asked God why. Why the hell im here. Why wont He take me away, but when I do that, when I tell Him I wanna die, I feel scared. Because I wanna live but not like this.

Do you understand? Is there anybody who understands?

I feel so alone. Please help me. Please understand.

avoidant personality disorder

I have lived my whole life thinking I was "shy". Last year after finished my internship at a school ( I'm a teacher) I realized that there was something wrong with me. I was with one of my classmates at the same school, she was really shy as well but the thing is that it wasn't that hard for her like it was for me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry, I couldn't breath, my stomach hurt so much, I couldn't even talk because I felt a big lump in my throat, I started to feel dizzy and that was my day at the school.

When I finished those months of a living nightmare I started researching and I found out about this. It all has so much sense now. All my feelings have so much sense, my thoughts...I know that probably 80% of what I think, my fears of being critized, of being not good enough, of being a burden are not real but I can't help to think that. I cant help to think I'm a burden, especially now that I'm not even working.

I'm really scared of working as well because I cant stop thinking about all those months I went through last year and I don't want to go through all that again. Also, I dont think I'm a good teacher, I don't feel like students respect me and the amount of responsability a teacher has is so big I can't deal with that either. Don't get me wrong I had several job interviews but to be honest I didn't want to get any of those jobs and when they call me back I just lied saying I've got another job or just didn't answer. Which take me to another thing, I can't answer phone calls, I HATE IT! I don't know why, most of the time when I have an unknown call I just don't answer.

95% of the time I have so many things to say, SO MANY THINGS, but I'm scared of being judged and people making fun of me. I'm so akwkard and clumsy, I prefer to stay at home than to go out to a social event of any kind. I dont have friends, nobody knows about this. I'm sure my family wont understand and I'm sure they think I'm just lazy for not being working.

 

There are times when I feel positive about life,that lasts a few days and then I go back to my negative thoughts and even if I tried to stay positive I just can't. I need people to understand that I'M NOT LAZY, I'M NOT JUST SHY and stop telling I'm quiet because I already know that.

I want to be social, I want to have friends, to be extroverted. I want to do so many things, write stories, make youtube videos, paint stuff, sing, go to run at the beach but my mind plays so many tricks on my that I can't do any of those things. Please understand, it's not easy to just fight against this, it's not easy. I have tried, I wanna be better, I want to stop being a burder to my parents, I'm 25 years old and I can't even get a job and being an adult. I don't even feel like a 25 year old. I can't stop thinking about those 25 years, where they have gone? I don't even feel that age.

Please don't told me to grow up and stand up for myself because that hurts. I'm not asking for your pity, I'm asking for the world to understand that living like this is not living. I'm not living. I'm scared of living, I want to, damn it I want to live a normal life. I want a normal life, I want a boyfriend, I want a job, I want to get married and have a family. I want to be living on my own, singing, dancing in my own apartment but...I'm just here. Surviving. It's exhausting. I don't have energy, I'm tired all the time.

I know I'm a waste of space, of air. I keep asking God the reason of my life. The purpose of being in this world, but I still don't understand. I don't understand why I'm here. I keep idealizing suicide, thinking it will be better if I just die. Things will be so much better for my parents, I could stop being a burden, and I could rest at last.

I know there's more people like me out there. How are you dealing with this? I hope you are good, I hope you had a good day today. Let's keep fighting, let's keep hoping we will be heal one day.